A Messenger in the Marines

There weren't any language jobs open so when i signed up for the Marine Corps i picked the job that sounded like it would be the most fun. Oddly it's just like being a messenger. Go figure. now instead of bikes I'll be transporting things by helicopter, war ship and jumbo jet. instead of delivering a few blocks or a few miles away, I'll be delivering things across oceans, countries and continents. Basically the skeleton of the job remains the same. my colleagues tell bad jokes, we spend a lot of time waiting for people to need us and when we work, we'll work really damn hard.

These months becoming a Marine have been very hard. Not a day goes by when I'm not thinking about my bike, sitting lonesome in a cold basement in Buffalo.

All through boot camp on beautiful Parris island I'd remark to myself how much slower it was getting from place to place by marching. I'd muse how I'd whip by the platoon if I was only on my bike, when the group was running. i'd imagine our hikes and how I'd carry all of our war gear, including the M-16, on my bike, how I'd shoot it and where I'd keep extra ammo. I imagined our platoon in formation on camouflaged colored bikes, bikes block lettered with our last names.

Things changed when I got to the Marine Combat Training. One of the instructors found out that I' had been a bike courier and always found the most opportune moments to remind me of what I was missing most. Like the time we hiked 9 miles with 40 lbs on our backs, "I bet you wish you had a bike now." Or the time we sat for 2 hours in the blazing hot sun on 2hours of sleep for a class about something really boring, "I bet you wish you could go ride your bike."

Now I'm at job school and we aren't treated like filthy inmates. Now we are just treated like filthy Marines. So when i have my nights and weekends off it's all I can do to put my sweet little bike out of my mind. See, to go anywhere interesting in Jacksonville, NC it requires either a whole day of walking or a cab ride. I still have a core instinct to believe that cabs are the enemy. therefore I spend a lot of time walking or I just don't go anywhere and do anything interesting.

It's all going to change though. I'm planning on becoming the Commandant of the Marine Corps and when I do every Marine will be issued a bike. they would be required to recite this poem that current recruits learn in boot camp regarding their rifles.

this is my bicycle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My bicycle is my bestfriend. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me my bicycle is useless. Without my bicycle, I am useless. I must ride my bicycle straight, I must ride it before he rides me. I will. My bicycle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the noise of our chain, the smoke of our tires nor the miles that we make. We know that it is the skills that count. We have skills. I will keep my bicycle clean and ready even as I am clean and ready. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. Before god I swear this creed, that my bicycle and I are the defenders of our country, the masters of our enemy, the masters of our fate. So be it until victory is America's and there is no enemy but peace.

Marines would be required to sleep with their bicycles just as they sleep with their rifles now. (my M-16 always hogged the sheets but my bike never did) Furthermore there would be bike drill and bike range. Recruits would be required to qualify on various bike skills like maintenance, track stand, bunny hops, flying mounts and dismounts, talking on a phone and writing while riding, shooting a variety of weapons while riding and taking off and putting on clothes while riding.

For beach invasions, Marines would be issued paddle boats that they could just throw their bikes on to operate.

Convoys could be totally human powered as Marines 100 men in a team could be hitched to a tank to pull it along. Recon could be entirely bicycle using track bikes because they are virtually silent. The whole bike could be painted with black matte including all the shiny parts and it would be light enough for a marine to throw comfortably on his back. the bike itself would be collapsible and when assembled the 2 halves of the main triangle held together with big grommets like Joel Metz has on his Cycip.

Wall lockers in barracks would be large enough to accommodate a bicycle and bicycle parts will be sold close to wholesale at the PX.

No longer would Marines wear big hot bulky cammies. When i run the marine Corps they'll wear Ben Johnson shirts and Zoic shorts, camouflage patterns and cargo pockets. Boots will have recessed cleats and canteens will be completely replaced by camelbacks.

Of course Kevlars( helmets) and flak jackets (bullet proof vests) are still a necessity but i'd have them attached to each other from the back of the Kevlar to the back of the collar on the flak. See Kevlar helmets are very heavy and if someone had to ride a bike with one on, it wouldn't be very long before they wore out because they would be fighting to keep their head up.

The bike itself would have a mount where a 240 G machine gun could be attached on the handle bars and swivel as the Marine steers. The ammo belt could come out of a pouch tailored to fit the inside of the main triangle of the bike.

If the Marine Corps had bikes as a part of it's doctrine, then maybe the US could finally invade Canada.

For now I'm just a little ol' Private First Class who will soon be going to Japan to be stationed. When I'm there I'll be spending all of my money at the Keiren races and hopefully I'll have a few yen to go and buy a bike to ride around Japan and hunt down some Japanese couriers.

So in a month, expect the next installment. If I'm not storming the beach in North Korea, I should be out there on some kind of bike getting into new adventures and trouble.

Lambchop Monthly